The Story of Alana

I found out I was pregnant in June. Two days before her Daddy's birthday, and three days before Father's day (perfect timing). For the next few months I went through my emotions since this was my first pregnancy. I loved reading about how she was growing. I would wait anxiously for her to become another week old. I had an automatic bond with my little Jellybean from the moment I knew she existed. When I saw her for the first time at the emergency room on that ultrasound screen, I was so happy to have her. Our bond became it's strongest the first day she kicked me really hard. I cried because it felt amazing, and from there on she would kick me almost non-stop (I loved it). I would make her Daddy say hello to her and goodbye everyday when she was in my belly, and as soon as we found out that Alana developed her hearing he started to read to her.

Every thing was going good, all her test would come back good. She was healthy, and we could already see a bit of her personality when we would go to her ultrasound appointments. She was a little lazy, she wouldn't want to wake up when they wanted her to. That was kind of my fault because I would schedule her appointments around two in the afternoon, and she was always asleep at that time. Alana would wake up, change position, and go back to sleep. She was fussy, and stubborn when she did wake up. She would move in every direction except the way the doctor wanted her to. We always spent at least an hour at my appointments. One time Alana was so annoyed that the doctor was bothering her it looked like she started to shake her fist at us, it was so cute. Every thing seemed fine.

On September 24th, I had my monthly prenatal appointment. I told the doctor of symptoms I had that I was worried about. My doctor just told me everything was fine. The next day, my baby was born. I went into Pre term labor. All my symptoms that I had told my doctor about were early warning signs of Pre term Labor. My water broke early while I was at the doctors office but she didn't check that either. I didn't know my water broke though. and I didn't know I was in labor until the next day.

It was the scariest, and most horrible situation ever. Not all of it was though, giving birth to my daughter was the most amazing thing that I ever done. Alana was born that night, September 25th. My husband handed her to me and said I hello to Alana face to face. I was speechless, the first thing I said was "She is so beautiful". And she was, she was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, so cute. She had my nose, my lips, and my ears, but everything else was her daddy. She was tall, had big little baby feet, knobby knuckley hands just like Daddy. She had the cutest little chubby cheeks. She was moving around, and I was just amazed that Alana was here and I could see her and touch her. I touched her little nose. My husband put her sweet hand on my finger, it was so tiny. My heart broke as I realized this would be that only moments that I would have with her, and I wished so bad it would never end. My husband put her next to my head (I was so drugged up I could barely hold her). He told told me to kiss her head and I did, and I told Alana I love you for the first and last time. I was only able to see and hold her for a few minutes until they took me away to the OR. My husband held Alana mostly the entire time she was alive while I was in surgery, and in recovery. I'm very thankful for that. I was worried Alana might have felt lonely or cold, but at least Daddy was with her. The doctors said. that they could not save her because her lungs had not developed yet. She was only 20 weeks and 4 days in gestation. If she had only been a little older..

The days that followed were emotionally draining. I stayed in the hospital until the next evening. Then had to make funeral arrangements for her for the next few days. The last thing I thought I'd be doing for my baby. My husband and I had her wake and laid her to rest that weekend. I am at least glad that she is not alone. Alana has her Titi, and Great-Grandma to take care of her for us in heaven. I miss her everyday, and though my husband's grief is more silent I know he misses her a lot too. I cry nearly every night because I am waiting, and wishing for her to kick me (she used to kick me a lot at night). Other days my arms ache to cradle her. I am happy that I at least have my husband to hold me as we wait until we get to hold her in our arms again. Without him I don't know where I'd be.

Jesus Joy Of the Angels

A bud the Gardener gave is
A pure and lovely child.
He gave her to our keeping,
To cherish undefiled.
But just as it was opening,
To the glory of the day
Down came the
Heavenly Gardener
And took our bud away.